losing hope and guilt

It has been over two weeks since the death of my son Joshua and there are still moments when I think about my beautiful little boy and can't control my overwhelming urge to cry.  I think about the fact that he is at peace with his heavenly father and I tell myself I should be happy for him, when in reality I just can't leave room 242 where I got to hold him so close and feel his warm little body on mine. However, it is times like this when I realize just how selfish I am because I wanted to watch this little one grow up but, the hard truth is that he was never mine, he was and will always be God's. I remember toward the end talking with Rob and him saying to me that God gave him comfort by reminding him Joshua will not have to spend one day living in this pain and sin filled world. He is perfect now, no longer does he live in the broken body that we knew but he is in a perfect one in the presence of God. Shouldn't that bring me comfort as well? I knew that there was such a high probability of his death but why is it then that I can't leave that room and focus everything on Joshua's three brothers?

I feel guilty all the time. Guilty for focusing on Joshua's death and not rejoicing in the miracle that his short little life was. Guilty that I'm taking away from the joy that Samuel and David deserve. Guilty that I am not spending enough time with Nick. Guilty that I am not able to be the mother/wife I used to be, but find myself relying on Rob all the time. My ultimate guilt however is found in the fact that I can't find hope again. I'm all hoped out. It is funny to me how I can say that I am so blessed and yet feel so hopeless. I hoped and prayed for Matty and Zane, I hoped when I was having my miscarriage, I have been hoping for Joshua, and none of those went the way I wanted. Am I supposed to be okay with that? The answer is of course "yes." I'm confident that I will find hope again not because God's answer to my prayers will turn out the way I want them to in the future, but because an almighty loving God heard my prayers and worked them for my good, I'm just having a hard time seeing them as good right now. Joshua's life in and out of the womb as well as his death is a miracle and I am grateful to God that he let me be a part of it.