Sunday, November 10, 2013

perfect - 11/10/13 - 3w3d

I started to write a post that included some of my thoughts on my grief and sorrow over our loss of Joshua, but realized I had so much to say and it was so scattered that it needed some fine tuning. Instead, this is merely an update on how our boys came into this world and how they are now. 

On a day three weeks ago, I was not only blessed to meet little Josh, but I also got to meet his two womb-mates. They are perfect and while they have had to spend their days in the NICU, I am very excited for the day they will get to come home. 

At 11:04 am, on October 17, 2013, David Adam entered this world.


I heard him scream right away and then he was taken into a small room off of the O.R. called the resuscitation room. Rob assured me that he was ok just in need of some respiratory support. After surgery, the wonderful staff wheeled my bed into the NICU where I got to see my babies for the first time and at that time David was just getting oxygen thorough a nasal cannula.



Later that day he showed signs that he needed even more help breathing so he was intubated.


The nurse that night had her work cut out for her because she had the very unpleasant job of keeping me in bed to recover and away from the NICU and my babies. Rob spent the night trying to assure me that he would make sure I could see my babies first thing in the morning. So the next day when I finally got to go, I was very disappointed to hear that I could not hold David, only touch his head because he was too sensitive to touch. All we could do was standby and hope for the day we would be able to hold him. While I was being discharged, Rob sent me this picture:


He had been extubated! He was now on a cpap which looks brutal but in reality is just a cone that covers the nose.

That day was my last day staying in the hospital and we would start traveling to and from the hospital to see our precious babies. It is now three weeks later and David has made vast improvements. He went from the cpap to just a nasal cannula and from a central feeding line that went through his umbilical cord and allowed for a small blood transfusion, to an IV, down to nothing. He also went from a closed isolette where we could only stick our hands through to touch him to a regular open air crib where we get to hold him any time that we want.

This is my beautiful David today:


 At 11:06 am, on October 17, 2013, Samuel Abraham came into this world.


He did not cry right away but after some vigorous rubbing he perked up and let out one of the most wonderful sounds. They were able to keep Samuel in the O.R. as he did not need much lung support so Rob got to take pictures with him.


I was able to meet him before he was moved to the NICU.


After being taken into the NICU where I got to look at David, the staff moved me over by Samuel's isolette and I held him for the first time.


When we left the hospital, Samuel was receiving oxygen through a nasal cannula.   


By the next week he was taken off the oxygen, had his IV removed, and moved from the temperature controlled isolette to an open air crib. He is currently staying in the NICU only until he can take all of his feedings by mouth and not through the feeding tube. Currently this is what our little Sam looks like:

The boys are all perfect. They were on the day they were born...


And they are now...


They don't always get to be in the same crib, but we snuck them in to get a shot of three of our boys.

We'll try and post soon about our memorial service and how we've been dealing with our loss, each in our own posts but in the mean time, thanks again for all of your continued prayers and thoughts. They are definitely helping us to keep going.

losing hope and guilt



It has been over two weeks since the death of my son Joshua and there are still moments when I think about my beautiful little boy and can't control my overwhelming urge to cry.  I think about the fact that he is at peace with his heavenly father and I tell myself I should be happy for him, when in reality I just can't leave room 242 where I got to hold him so close and feel his warm little body on mine. However, it is times like this when I realize just how selfish I am because I wanted to watch this little one grow up but, the hard truth is that he was never mine, he was and will always be God's. I remember toward the end talking with Rob and him saying to me that God gave him comfort by reminding him Joshua will not have to spend one day living in this pain and sin filled world. He is perfect now, no longer does he live in the broken body that we knew but he is in a perfect one in the presence of God. Shouldn't that bring me comfort as well? I knew that there was such a high probability of his death but why is it then that I can't leave that room and focus everything on Joshua's three brothers?


I feel guilty all the time. Guilty for focusing on Joshua's death and not rejoicing in the miracle that his short little life was. Guilty that I'm taking away from the joy that Samuel and David deserve. Guilty that I am not spending enough time with Nick. Guilty that I am not able to be the mother/wife I used to be, but find myself relying on Rob all the time. My ultimate guilt however is found in the fact that I can't find hope again. I'm all hoped out. It is funny to me how I can say that I am so blessed and yet feel so hopeless. I hoped and prayed for Matty and Zane, I hoped when I was having my miscarriage, I have been hoping for Joshua, and none of those went the way I wanted. Am I supposed to be okay with that? The answer is of course "yes." I'm confident that I will find hope again not because God's answer to my prayers will turn out the way I want them to in the future, but because an almighty loving God heard my prayers and worked them for my good, I'm just having a hard time seeing them as good right now. Joshua's life in and out of the womb as well as his death is a miracle and I am grateful to God that he let me be a part of it.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

a staff like no other - 10/20/13 - 0w3d


Three hours and six minutes. That's how long we knew Joshua outside of the womb on this earth. 

Eternity. That's how long we will get to spend with him when God calls us home too. And we can't wait. 

Katy's operation began on Thursday morning at around 10:45 am. I was brought in just after 11:00. Shortly after, I met my second son David, then my third son Samuel, and finally my fourth son, little Joshua. David cried right away, Samuel right before he was laid on the resuscitation bed, and Joshua never did. While sitting next to my wife's covered body, we did the only thing we could in that moment: we prayed. While Joshua never did take a breath on his own, he did live longer than we thought he ever would. Both of us deep down were concerned we'd only get five to ten minutes with him. By all accounts, we should have. No amniotic fluid, no evidence of any kidneys, no lung tissue. And yet, somehow he survived off the ventilator for three hours while only gasping on average once every fifteen minutes. Joshua's tiny heart was pumping enough blood-carrying-oxygen to sustain life for 186 minutes. He wins the world's longest breath-holding contest hands down. 

There are so many details that I could document about those three hours and maybe I will in the days to come. All I want to do in this post is talk about how much love we and our boys, especially Joshua, received on Thursday and the days that followed. 

Let's start at the top. Katy's OB, Dr. Yin, came in to the OR and could have let the nurses be with her through her spinal, but instead hugged and consoled her through each stick, all the while assuring her of the process along the way. The tears she shed as she checked on Katy in the recovery room, even when she knew for the past 19 weeks the probable outcome. Her hugs and constant condolences in the hours and days that followed were not ones we expected from a doctor, but a friend and concerned advisor. 

Our perinatologist, Dr. Shields, normally doesn't attend the Caesarian and yet at our request, gladly was Dr. Yin's assistant, not hesitating when we asked if he could be there that morning. Our OB with Nick only checked on Katy once after he was born and yet we saw Dr. Shields everyday while in the hospital as he made a point to check on our well being even though his job was done. 

Marilyn, Dr. Shields' lead nurse, who had helped us through each weekly appointment and our endless questions, volunteered to don scrubs in a department she used to run, not to do her old job, but merely to support us by using our SLR camera to take pictures in the operating room. She answered our questions while the procedure was going on and in the NICU after, acted as a relay between our parents, and prayed with and for us and our sons in the turmoil that followed. While Joshua's team pushed oxygen into his lungs, she weeped as she put her arm around my shoulders and cried out to God for His will to be done. She took time before and after work in the days that followed to come over to check on how we and our boys were doing. Always smiling, always comforting. 

Dr. Turbow, the junior neonatologist on the team with 20 plus years experience in neonatology, counseled us around week 24 about what to expect right after delivery. He gave his most sincere gratitude to us as we explained our desire for Joshua to be a donor if he could, even though he ended up not being able to. His willingness to come in on his day off and electing to take on the greatest burden, the lead doctor on Joshua's resuscitation, knowing full well he would probably not make it. He never grumbled and was nothing but kind, professional, and genuine. He saw us in the hallways during the days after and always stopped to give us updates and if he couldn't would promise to follow-up with us when he saw us in the NICU in a while, and he always did. 

Nurses like Joan, who worked on Joshua and held it together until I put my arm around her to say thanks and her eyes closed as tears fell. Anne and Frank, who were instrumental in Samuel's survival. Mary, helping David's intubation to go smoothly and allow him to breathe. The floor director Ria, who left the NICU during the procedures because she could no longer hold it together while her staff labored so intensely to provide for our triplets. Labor and delivery nursing staff like Lindsey, Charley, and Mary who were so positive with us even if their experience told them the probable outcome.  Katy's nurses in post-partem, Lauren, Helen, and Chelsea, always firm but kind, smiling, and with Katy's best intentions at heart. All of the respiratory therapists, Katy's anesthesiologist, ultrasound techs and doctors, and x-ray techs. So many people, so many names that we could hardly begin to remember them all.  

Amazingly enough, one stood out above all others: Tara King, Katy's labor and delivery nurse for most of our stay. Aside from being assigned to help Katy everyday she was confined here before giving birth except for one, she went above and beyond in her effort to get to know her. She always spent extra time outside of her normal parameters to care for and just be a friend to Katy. We came to find out she knew our friend Rebecca and had her teeth cleaned by our friend Caitrin, further solidifying the connection between her and Katy. As the days went on, she made it clear that while she was not supposed to be in the operating room as she served no real purpose there, she was determined to get inside, not to help the other doctors or nurses, but to support Katy. And she succeeded. Two days before the surgery was scheduled, as she was getting ready to go home, she came in beaming from ear-to-ear, hardly containing herself as she informed us she would be there in the OR. She came in the morning of, got Katy all prepped, helped her do her hair, calmed her nerves with her ever-present smile, and was there for her every step of the way, never leaving her side the minute she entered the OR. The consummate professional, she didn't get in anyone's way, but made sure to help Katy out by keeping her calm and in the loop every step of the way. As we came to the conclusion that Joshua would not make it, tears fell down her cheeks. The hours we got with him she was minimally in the room, allowing us to have our time with him and our family. When Joshua passed away into Christ's arms, she assured us we could have as much time as possible with him and when we said we were ready she double-checked to make sure we actually were. When we decided to move Katy into her recovery room so Joshua's first and final bath could be done in the labor and delivery room, she got noticeably quiet. When asked why, she related how by moving Katy over to recovery, she wouldn't be her patient anymore and she wasn't ready to let her go just yet. I stayed with her as she washed Joshua with the greatest of care, treating him as if he was still alive with her gentleness. She kept me informed every step of the way with what would happen to him next in the death process. She combed his hair, what little he had, shaped it into a faux hawk like mine, allowed me to take what pictures I wanted, and gave me all the time I needed with him. She took her time setting up and creating a memory box for us, getting his hand and foot prints, a lock of his hair, his hospital ID bracelet, and his NICU blanket. Once she was finished getting him ready to take to the morgue, she asked if I wanted to take him into the NICU to get pictures of him with his brothers. I told her we had asked the NICU staff if that could happen and they politely informed us David was not stable enough to do such a thing. Tara was disappointed, but nodded her understanding. I said a final goodbye to Joshua, and Tara told me she would stop by before the end of her shift to see Katy. 

A few hours later, while Katy and I sat quietly in the recovery room, Marilyn walked in. She gave us hugs and asked how we were doing. While catching up on the whirlwind of a day we had had, Tara walked in beaming. She pulled out our camera and explained how I had left it in the NICU when I went to check on the boys after Joshua died. She turned it toward us and showed what she had done. Somehow she had finagled her way into the NICU on her way to the morgue with Joshua and convinced them to put all of our boys together in the same incubator. They moved Samuel's monitors next to David's and placed Joshua in between his brothers. Then Tara took pictures of them together, one final time. There were multiple shots, most of which contrast the red-life-filled skin of David and Samuel with Joshua's once similar and now opposite lifeless one. But in the pictures is a tenderness that while probably fictitious, shows two brothers, saying goodbye to another, turning toward him in a final display of affection, and reaching out to him as if to say, "See you again one day."

Katy and I can't ever repay the staff here at Marian Medical Center for what they did for our family. No words or presents will ever fulfill or display our sense of gratitude we have for the gift they gave us of these three boys. We won't always remember their names or even their faces in the not-too-distant future. From the very depths of our soul, we will forever be grateful for what they've done, are doing, and will do for us. They will always have an oh-so-special place in our hearts. They will never know what they all mean to us and we can never fully express the love we have for them. All we can say, is thank you. 

Thank you. 

Thank you. 

Thank you.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

fear - 10/17/13 - 33w0d

     

At 10:30 am PST Katy will be having a c-section. We are just over 8 hours away from delivery. When we were this close with Nick, I was so excited I couldn't sleep. The anticipation of being a father, the excitement of all we'd get to do together, watching the love my bride would have for her son, was something I could hardly wait for. It's a lot different this time around. Our friends the Patterson's are two doors down and just delivered their second child, first boy. I know my buddy Jimmy is having a lot of those same thoughts as he watches his bride and newborn son. It's not that I'm not looking forward to those things. It's just that I want them to happen. I know there are lots of people, like us, who have struggled to have children. I know it may seem selfish of me to think the way I do, but I want those things with ALL of my boys. Not just Nick, David, and Samuel, but Joshua too. It's so much different this time. I have a hard time being excited. 

A few days ago I realized something that may seem pretty obvious. I'm stressed. I don't know why it took me so long to realize what should be so obvious. But I finally got to the root of why I'm stressed; I'm terrified of what the morning brings. It's not even so much the probable outcome that scares me. It's the unknown. Not knowing is the scariest part and I know it's my own desire for control that drives the fear. Sure I'm sad and if he does pass away I'll be a wreck. But deep down, I know the unknown is what is eating me up. 

On a different note, having Katy on bed rest this last month and in the hospital this last week has opened my eyes to a lot. First, I don't know how single parents do it. Working full time and coming home to a second full time job is exhausting! How they have time for anyone other than their kids is beyond me. It also made me appreciate how fortunate we are to be able to have Katy be a stay-at-home mom. The little things she takes care of throughout the days of the week made my life so unknowingly easy. Having to work and then come home during the week and on the weekend just to do those little things has been enough to almost drive me insane. Aside from the obvious reasons my love for my bride has gone up during this pregnancy, realizing all she does for our family without complaint raised the bar even higher. 

When people take care of you, it usually makes you happy. But when people take care of the people you love, it warms your soul. Every time I came in to the hospital to visit Katy and saw a new note or package I was elated. Whenever she told me someone had stopped by to visit or I walked in on a prayer time with friends, I was comforted. There's a sense of guilt you get when your spouse is laid up in a hospital and you aren't with them 24/7. So to know others were caring for her when I wasn't, was awesome. Thank you to everyone who came, sent a card, made a call or text, mailed a care package, or just prayed for us during this time. Your love was overwhelming! And if you want to come visit us while we're here the next few days, please do, just not after 9 as we will be passed out!

Our God is a god of truth. He makes promises and keeps them sustaining the trust in our relationship with Him. When you lose that trust, a relationship is broken. I know there are so many people who don't trust God for any number of reasons, but it seems as if many of them are self-imposed promises thrust on Him that He never made. If we look at the promises of scripture, He hasn't broken one. Sure some haven't been fulfilled yet (Christ coming back) and others took forms that were unexpected but ended up being better (Christ coming to overthrow a spiritual enemy not a political one), but He always keeps His promises. We've known a few friends over the years who have sadly lost children either through miscarriages or complications post-partem. These friends have all said that their babies were in a better place and they knew in their hearts they'd see them again. Some of these friends are Christians, some not. Both are right in where their children are now. The neat thing for us is, that if Joshua dies, we truly know where he will be, that we'll see him again, and he'll immediately be in the presence of Christ. We know this, not because it feels or seems right, but because of our God who cannot lie telling us so in His Holy Word. There's an overwhelming peace that comes with that kind of assurance and guarantee, and it's one that passes all understanding. 

Tonight on the way home from AWANNA, Nick said that Joshua was probably going to die. My mom began explaining to him how that might happen and we would be sad if it did, but we were praying it didn't. He calmly looked at her and said, "Why would we be sad? Joshua will be in heaven with Jesus." Out of the mouths of babes. 


Thursday, October 10, 2013

admission - 10/10/13 - 32w0d



Yesterday Katy was admitted into the hospital. We've known it was coming since our appointment on Monday with Dr. Shields. The boys were measured and their weights calculated, which led to the admission. David and Samuel were each over four pounds (4 lbs 2 oz each) while Joshua was just over two and a half (2 lbs 9 oz). The boys are starting to pull away from each other and Joshua is leveling out, hardly growing at all. The thought process was that if he isn't going to be growing much more inside Katy, best to get him out soon. So they admitted her yesterday after her appointment with Dr. Yin for observation and general monitoring of the triplets. If anything goes awry, they'll pull them out within a few hours. The bummer of it all is that Katy feels and looks great and the boys are all moving like crazy. It makes it hard to imagine anything is actually wrong inside such an active and healthy-appearing womb. 

That led to our delivery date being set. The c-section is scheduled for next Thursday morning, October 17th. All of a sudden the day is looming out there. The time is soon coming when decisions, life-changing decisions, will have to be made by us for our triplets. And not just them, but for us too. Even for Nick. We may be setting up some of his earliest memories on the choices we make in these next few days. We've contemplated whether or not he should get to meet Joshua if he were to pass away from this world into the next. Will a five year old remember meeting his brother for less than ten minutes? Will he thank us? Curse us? Be indifferent? Will it make a difference later on down the road in his own walk of faith? All of these questions run through our heads and at least at this point, we've decided we do want him to meet his brother. Why you may ask? The short of it is, because if we had lost a sibling early in our lives, we would want to know that we were given the opportunity to say hello/goodbye to him or her. We feel like Nick should be give that same chance. Who knows? It may end up being the wrong call, but at this point, with everything else going on, this is what feels right for our family in this moment. We'll see whether this one butterfly wing flutter changes our lives further on down the road, for better or worse. Either way our answer will be the same. Blessed be Your name. 

A buddy of mine asked me recently how I was doing. I tried to explain that it felt like. Knowing you were about to have overwhelming happiness while at the same time dealing with the potential for extreme sadness. How do you have joy while experiencing sorrow? I answered with one word. Hope. Not just the hope that Joshua could live, but the hope of a promise for eternal perfection. The knowledge that our Creator ordained our every step and knows our every breath. That he works all things for good to those who love him, not in a "health and wealth" kind of way, but in a "looking out for our best interest even if we can't see it in these mortal bodies" kind of way. That he promised to save those who don't have the capacity to understand their sin by bestowing His grace on them when they need it most. I tried to explain all this but it only came out in that one, powerful word. We hope in the knowledge that any strength we have comes from an immortal God who exists, not in our imagination, but in a spiritual realm man only caught a glimpse of two thousand years ago. When a Man who knew no sin took our place on a bed of nails, enduring the eternal wrath we deserved that we might be justified before His throne and bow down one day only to be told, "Rise, my sons and daughters, for my Son has imputed you with His holiness and you stand before Me clean of all your debt and sin. Not because of anything you have done, but because of all Jesus has done for you. Welcome to my kingdom." And on the day we enter into God's presence, if we do lose Joshua in the days or weeks to come, we will see him again. Not as he was here on earth, broken, needy, helpless, lifeless. But in a state of perfection. In a body that will not fail him. Being wrapped up in the arms of our God who promised to never forsake him. Knowing he was always our Lord's son first and finding everlasting joy in the promises He made.

I'll step away from the pulpit though and let you see a few of the Godsends I am blessed to call my family. Our friend Sean Troeger took these pictures when Katy was exactly 27 weeks. He is amazing and we are always pleased with the work he does. Here's a glance into a few of our favorites, but its tough when every shot is a favorite!




Thank you all for your continued prayers and thoughts. While there was and may be again a time when the phrase, "We're thinking/praying for you," just didn't provide the comfort we needed, that time is not now. We can't explain the emotion and comfort it gives us to know so many have been lifting our family and specifically our boys up in prayer and even just thinking about them throughout their days with everything that's going on in their lives. Thank you for setting aside your time for our family, even if it's just to read this silly blog. We can't wait to show you the result of your thoughts and prayers in this next week. I know Katy would love for visitors to come by and just say hi so if you have time and like hanging out with her, feel free! She's got time, trust me. Please continue to life us up as we prepare to meet our next three sons!




Thursday, September 26, 2013

thirty weeks! - 9/23/12 - 29w4d

I am thrilled to be here! I remember a time, not so long ago, when this day seemed to be an impossibility. When we saw the doc this week he seemed to share in our enthusiasm at how far we have come but, at the same time he was hoping for a few more weeks. Dr. Shields made it very clear that his perspective has changed and the longer Joshua stays in the womb the better it is for him. In talking to Dr. Yin she believes that Joshua will be the one to pull the trigger by losing his heartbeat and as such we would have no choice but to deliver.  Rob and I have talked and I think that we fall somewhere in the middle. Selfishly I don't think I could carry around a deceased baby but, as long as things stay "status quo," then we want to let all three boys bake as long as possible. Regardless, Dr. Shields will admit me to the hospital by 34 weeks so that he can monitor me daily (that's if I haven't delivered yet).

Truth be told however, I believe it will happen at 32 weeks. This might be due to the fact I have had this number in my head for a while now or because I am measuring 39/40 weeks and am just not sure if the human body can stretch much more. It might also have something to do with the fact we are starting to feel mentally exhausted. This has been such a medical pregnancy with all the doctors appointments and now to add on bed rest and bi-weekly non-stress tests. So, we would like to see what you think. Leave us a comment, if you would like, guessing the day and time from now until the 7th of November as at that point triplets are considered over due.

Now to address the elephant in the proverbial room or possibly it is just the thing I have been thinking about all week. I know that last week Rob wrote a very long sappy post about me and I wasn't sure if I should praise him publicly because that's what he did for me or not. I decided that instead of tooting his horn in a long dialogue about the wonderful man he is, I would just leave you with this: that God doesn't make mistakes. While I might be Rob's earthly hero, God formed us to fit together and I am a human with lots of problems. All that to say God gave me this perfect fit in a man who can balance out my crazy and then still look on me with love and somehow see something good. I don't know about you but I think that's amazing. 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

restraint - 9/16/13 - 28w4d


Samuel Abraham

This will be a double post. Last week not much happened. Our ultrasound tech was the sort of abrasive one who seems to rush through, puts Katy flat on her back, and barely allows us to get a word in edge-wise, but whatever. At this point I feel like we have a pretty good grasp of what we're looking at and could almost manipulate that machine myself if they let me. In any event, she did measure all the boys and here's where they stand at 28 weeks 4 days:

David - 29 weeks 4 days, 2 pounds 13 ounces
Samuel - 28 weeks 4 days, 2 pounds 9 ounces
Joshua - 26 weeks 0 days, 1 pound 11 ounces

Once the doc came in, there wasn't much more to say. He asked about our previous meeting with Dr. Turbow, the neonatologist, and we explained what we had learned. What Katy failed to mention last week was that her blood pressure (BP) was slightly elevated so the staff took the time to do a mini-ekg on her to make sure there were no signs of preeclampsia developing. Everything looked normal so that was a plus. At this particular appointment they didn't even concern themselves with it. She saw Dr. Yin later that day and they did check her BP twice as it was somewhere around 130/82 or something like that, but it came back normal the second time. 

Yesterday was the other appointment I'll bring you up to speed on. Same as all the previous one's but for one exception. Dr. Shields spent quite a bit of time analyzing Joshua's brain and came to the conclusion that he has what appears to be at least one, maybe more, small cysts on the inner layer of the sac that surrounds his brain. He didn't seem concerned at all though, strange as that may be. When I asked him how serious it was in comparison to the kidney/lung issues, he made some comparison that completely came out of left field. He said it would be like me seeing someone going 66 in a 65 MPH maximum speed limit zone, no big deal. I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and that I go after all the speeders as all cops do of course.

Again, prior to Dr. Shield's appointment Katy had another one with Dr. Yin. Sorry about the lack of chronological order in this post, I do realize it's quite sporadic. Anyway, on our way in to Dr. Yin's office, we actually rode up in the elevator with her as she was on her way back from lunch. We happened to have just finished eating Chipotle and had a bag of chips that Katy was munching on as we walked in. I joked with Dr. Yin that this was how we made Katy seem like she was gaining weight at the rate she wanted her to. Katy quickly jumped in and defended her eating habits, particularly in the past week, claiming she believed she had gained at least five pounds, probably more. Dr. Yin skeptically looked at her and then gave me a look. I said I didn't think so and it was probably only one or two pounds that the babies had gained in that time. Dr. Yin laughed and said we'd have to see. Well, one pound later on the scale, Katy was none too happy once she sat down on the table in the doctor's office. As such, or so she claims, her blood pressure was even more elevated to 140/80. As Dr. Yin was reading her chart, she immediately informed Katy she was now on at-home bed rest consisting of potty breaks, one shower, out on the couch in between and then in bed and if necessary, taking Nick to and from school. No cooking, cleaning, errand running, or anything else outside of this scope.

I have to say that while this wasn't the most welcome news, we were both pleased with how far she had made it without being put on bed rest. That didn't stop Katy from petitioning like a flailing politician in a lost race. She pulled out all the stops and did everything possible with her rhetoric that she could to convince the doctor to not put her on it yet. Dr. Yin quickly put a stop to the debate when she asked Katy if she'd rather be at home or in the hospital. Obviously her answer was home and therefore, the doc said, she could rest at home or lie on a hospital bed for up to five and a half weeks. Katy gave up at this point, at least with Dr. Yin. At the appointment talked about above with Dr. Shields, she held onto a pointless hope that she could convince him to retract Dr. Yin's orders. That obviously didn't happen.

So, here we are. Just shy of 29 weeks and Katy is confined to the house except for doctor's appointments. It probably didn't help that the day before, Nick brought home a picture he drew from Sunday school in which he was asked to draw the paralytic that Jesus healed and he drew a stick figure with a big belly with the word "momma" written above it. 

That's the update, so if you want to stop reading and not read my soap box sappy monologue below, feel free, but I'm going to write it anyway.

I've said before, whether in a blog or small group I don't remember, but my wife is my earthly hero. When she was a junior in high school, excelling in swimming and water polo and with a high probability of going somewhere on scholarship, she came down with spinal meningitis and encephalitis. Fortunately, it was not the bacterial kind, merely viral, for if it was bacterial she wouldn't be with us now. The sickness completely incapacitated her, taking away most of her fine motor skills, including writing, coughing, swallowing. It slowed her speech, impaired her movements, and put her through a rigorous recovery process that included months of speech, occupational, and physical therapy. And yet, she came out through it all, not giving up, willing to keep pushing and fighting. There are still residual affects that she suffers from, namely her speech and some lack of control in her balance and hand-eye coordination. And yet, in spite of all that, she graduated high school, went to community college on her own, got two AA's, graduated from Sac State with a BA, all in the face of taking at least three times longer than the average person to write, type, read, and anything similar. My wife is my hero because I don't think I could have done it and maintained the faith that she has. I would have easily been drawn into a world of self-pity, frustration, and anger, and yet Katy came out of it thanking her Father for letting her get sick, for without it she wouldn't have met me, gotten married, have the friends she has, the church she loves, given birth to Nick, been a foster mom to Matty and Zane, and carried David, Samuel, and Joshua. She looked at her adversity as a blessing, not a curse, and did what we all should do, trust that the God of the universe will work all things for good to those who love Him as He promised He would. 

I say all that to say this. My wife is amazing. Here she is carrying three babies with joy. Excited at the possibility that God has for her to be a mom to four boys. Never complaining that she didn't get the girl she always wanted. Never complaining about the puking, lack of appetite, sneezing accidents, none of it. Even as we've been trying to figure out how we are going to handle the strong possibility of our son's demise, she maintains a steady course and steady faith. She is the most amazing woman I have ever known and I've known quite a few, but she takes the cake. She said to me tonight as I was packing Nick's school lunch that I needed to slow down or I would get burned out, and yet she had no idea that it's her example of strength in Christ that keeps me motivated daily just to keep up with her. If she begins to waver I will crumble like a house of cards, but I know that won't happen. She is my anchor, my best friend, and the most unbelievable thing to happen to me outside of my salvation. The amazing part is, she is too humble to admit any of this and thinks I exaggerate. That is normally true, but not in this description of her. 

The other day, my buddy Kevin and I were talking about marriage and the idea of whether or not we found our identity in our brides. We both sheepishly looked down and admitted we did. Then one of us asked the question as to whether we would be closer to God without our brides and we both confessed we probably would be farther away. Whether or not this is a good or bad thing is a topic for another blog and another day, but the point is that I do find my identity in Katy. She helped mold me into the man I am today. But don't blame her for the bad, immature, and improper parts, she is only human and I am still a work in progress.

My bride is who I aspire to be. The one I see Jesus in. The one I thank God is raising my children. And the one that I don't know how I could do all of this stuff we are going through without, but I'm glad I get to. 







Tuesday, September 10, 2013

how old are we? - 9/3/13 - 26w5d

Samuel

This has been a hurdle week for me, my first baby Nick not only started kindergarten but turned 5 as well;

I was really hoping that I could stay out of the hospital until this week is over and it looks as though I met my goal. Although, in reality there is no good time to go sit on your behind in the hospital, eat the food, and be watched ALL the time. So, you might be able to understand my apprehension when Dr Shields wanted me to have my blood pressure checked at the appointment this week and the relief I felt when he told me that it was perfectly normal. We had the same technician we were blessed with two weeks ago when we did not have any pictures so, this week when she handed us seven pictures we were elated but later found out that they were all of Samuel. 

Dr Shields had a new assessment of Joshua this week. He told us that there was still no fluid and he still can't really see the kidneys but one more sign that there is something wrong is in the way that his rib cage is developing. The screen showed that the ribs start out very narrow toward the top but then flare out as they go down toward the belly. This might mean that the lungs have not been able to develop do to the lack of amniotic fluid. The way that I understand it is a baby breathes in the fluid stimulating lung growth and Joshua has gone for so long without fluid that we have to assume his lungs have not been able to develop at all.

The next thing on the schedule was for us to get a tour of the NICU and then meet with one of the three neonatologists at our hospital. So, we headed over to the hospital only to realize that we had to pick up Nick from his first day of kindergarten in about 30 minutes. We did a quick walk through of the OB ward and the NICU fighting back emotion and memories of our sweet boys Matthew and Zane. We were ushered into the office of Dr. Turbow, who will be taking care of our three babies. True to his name and with the added incentive of our time crunch, he did a lot of talking and we did a lot of listening. He told us about his background and that he was the rookie neonatologist on the floor with only 20 years of experience. He also told us that it would be best if we could get to 34 weeks before delivering which I thought was very optimistic of him but I think he was speaking more in terms of David and Samuel's post-partum  development. He asked us to not tie his hands in regards to Joshua and both Rob and I thought that he meant we should just let Joshua go but to our surprise he clarified saying that a lot of parents just want to hold the baby when there might be something that he could do. We asked what the order of things would be and how much time he thought we might have.  Obviously he was not able to give us a time frame but he did say that the first thing he would do is try to get a breathing tube in so that he could get Joshua over to the NICU for an x-ray of the kidneys. It is very possible that due to the lack of amniotic fluid and lung development, he will not be able to find any lung tissue for the tube to go into and we will hold Joshua right away through his last seconds. We also found out that a baby has to be at least a year old for a kidney transplant so if he cannot find anything in that area then he would stop all efforts and give us the chance to say good bye. The last thing we asked was about Joshua being an organ donor and the doc told us that it was a very political thing but he would look into it for us. He thanked us and then we had to literally run/waddle very fast to the elevators.

It was quiet on the way home partly because we were rushing and partly because God gave us peace at least for this week. We are praying for a miracle and asking everyone else to pray as well, but we also understand that even if we don't get to bring Joshua home with us, God has already used this little life for His glory and that is a miracle in its self.

Monday, September 2, 2013

hear my humble cry - 8/26/13 - 25w4d



David in 3D


David looking at the camera...creepily


David Side Profile


Joshua Side Profile

We've been keeping you guys in suspense for a while, only to have another appointment tomorrow. Sorry about that. Katy kept telling me all week it was my turn to write. I've had trouble formulating how to write all of what I've been thinking.

Not much changed again this week. Joshua is still lacking fluid. The boys all got measured again. David now weighs in at 2 lbs 4 oz, Samuel at 2 lbs even, and Joshua at 1 lb 5 oz. Dr. Shields told us he wants us to meet with a neonatologist and tour the NICU this coming week so we'll do that after the appointment tomorrow.

The only thing new that was reported was that he took a pretty close look at Joshua's heart in relation to his chest and his chest is definitely not keeping up with his heart, which is good and bad I guess. Good in that his heart and head are growing as they're supposed to be, bad because obviously something is going wrong internally, we just don't know what. Best guess at this point is still that his kidneys are either non-existent or not functioning at all. Other than that, he's behind in his growth but still growing, so that is a praise that he's not stagnant.

Right now Katy and I are doing our best to wrap our heads around the possibilities that could occur. So far we can think of three scenarios:

1 - Joshua is totally fine, spends some time in the NICU, and comes out in a few months
2 - Joshua needs major medical attention and could make it
3 - Joshua comes out and can't survive on his own, and do we try and keep him alive, or just hold him while we can

We're sure there are other scenarios as well, but they all seem to be variations of those three. The first is easy. The second, tough but doable. The third, nearly impossible to comprehend.

The last scenario has caused us to consider things like, do we have a service for him? When? Before David and Samuel are out of the NICU as well? Should we keep him on life support to donate his organs? Should it just be the three of us? Should we bring Nick in? Should we bring family and friends in to meet him and say goodbye? Should we spread his ashes? Plant a tree? A plot?

Some of these may seem grim, but all of them are real. These are the sorts of things you think about. While sitting here writing this, I considered another question: Can we get them all together one time to hold all three at once? As I typed, this beautiful rendition of "Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior" by Red Mountain Church was playing in the background:

Pass me not, O gentle Savior,
Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling,
Do not pass me by.


Savior, Savior,
Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling,
Do not pass me by.


Let me at Thy throne of mercy
Find a sweet relief,
Kneeling there in deep contrition;
Help my unbelief.


Savior, Savior,
Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling,
Do not pass me by.


Trusting only in Thy merit,
Would I seek Thy face;
Heal my wounded, broken spirit,
Save me by Thy grace.


Savior, Savior,
Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling,
Do not pass me by.


Thou the Spring of all my comfort,
More than life to me,
Whom have I on earth beside Thee?
Whom in Heav’n but Thee?


Savior, Savior,
Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling,
Do not pass me by. 

This is our selfish and direct request that we unashamedly pray for us and our boys. We are confident of our Joshua and the better existence he will have wrapped in his Savior's arms, but our concern is on the brokenness that is sure to come for Katy, Nick and I, as well as all that love us and our sons.

I was recently asked whether if I could do it all over again, both with Matty, our foster son, and with Joshua, if I would. If I knew ahead of time the grief that would come with Matty and the decisions involved with Joshua, would I do it all again. I related my answer to something I read recently. In our Sunday School class we're going through a new book entitled, The Meaning of Marriage, by Tim Keller, and in it he quotes C. S. Lewis as saying in his book, The Four Loves, this about love:

"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglement; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation."

This type of action, shutting the love I have for these boys up forever, is and never will be an option. My answer to whether I would go through all this again is whole-heartedly and unabashedly a resounding yes. No way I would even give up the love I have experienced with all of my sons for even a second. In fact I would go through any scenario a million times worse if it meant being given the opportunity to love my boys in the way I have. 

I cannot predict what will happen, nor can Katy, nor any doctor we see. Only God knows what will happen. What I do know is where and in whom my faith resides, and He is greater than this situation and all of us, and in Him I go to and ask that in either tragedy or overwhelming joy, He hear my humble cry to not pass us by.








decisions - 8/19/13 - 24w4d

Sorry, we did not get any pictures this week as we had our scan done by a new technician and she was focused more on doing her job than printing out pics, which is a good thing. The scan was very short as she didn't take any measurements this time because the doctor asked for them every two weeks and we had them done last week. After she was finished, Dr. Shields came in to do his own assessment. It was silent for a long time, as usual, while he looked at all the babies. He finally broke the silence by talking about David and then Samuel and just how well they are doing. Then he laid into Joshua. He first looked at the heart and found it to be taking up an abnormally large portion of his chest. We were told that this was more likely an indication of Joshua's small size and that his heart is probably the right size. He also took a look down at where the kidneys are supposed to be and saw two masses that are clearly over sized for Joshua's body. The doc said that if these are indeed kidneys and are malfunctioning in some way, then this explains the lack of fluid for Joshua. He then gave us two possibilities for Joshua at birth. The first is that the placenta has been delivering nutrients this whole time but Joshua's body is just not equipped to process them. The second would be that the nutrients are not being delivered at all and therefore Joshua does not have the chance to grow. These are significant because in the first instance Joshua would still not be able to grow after birth but in the latter he would just need to eat a lot after birth so that his abdomen could have the chance to catch up with the rest of his body.

The appointment then turned even more depressing when we were asked to think about what we would want to do with Joshua after he was born. The doc was trying to be very political about how he said this but what he was getting at was do we want to hold him until he dies or would we like to send him off to the NICU. This was not something that Rob and I have talked about before, we just assumed that they would need to take him right away. We do want to give him his best chance and do the right thing for this little guy but what is the right thing??? There are so many other things to consider as well like the fact that we would want to donate his organs and that would probably mean that he would need to be put on life support to keep his heart pumping so, we don't even know how long he could be with us anyway.

Both of us went to the dark place of playing the "what if" game after this appointment. I try to reassure myself by saying that we won't have to make these decisions until these little guys are out but I might be more concerned with the looming possibility of having to make all of these decisions on the fly. Then I think about things like how we want Nick, our eldest son, to have the chance to meet little Joshua and how we have two more little miracles to think about and do right by. I then find myself trying to find some worldly comfort by saying that I already know I can do twins and maybe this is why we had Matty and Zane for a time. While they were not the same age we got the call for Zane right after Matty went through surgery and was having trouble eating and sleeping. I also know just how long it took our whole family to grieve that loss but in this case there are two other babies who need ALL of us and deserve to feel loved. So what I keep coming back to is that I am asking questions only God can answer and if he can just be merciful and give us the strength to trust in that, our family will make it through.

   

Friday, August 16, 2013

viability - 8/12/13 - 23w4d


Joshua Aaron


David Adam


Samuel Abraham

Yesterday was the day. We've reached the viability stage where if something were to go wrong, the doctor's could deliver the boys and they would have a chance of making it. Quite the milestone and one we've been anxiously awaiting for 21 weeks.

We saw both doctors on Monday and they were very pleased. Joshua's stomach and femurs grew at the same rate as the rest of his body, which indicates that while they are behind, they aren't stagnant and maybe, just maybe, they're getting the nutrients they need.

For once, our doctor's appointment didn't consist of negatives but the actual possibility of optimism on the horizon. There was discussion about overnight bags for the hospital, plans about seeing the babies, and the healthy progression of my wife's weight, a weird thing to be okay about.

Katy's blood pressure was a little up at the time, 130/82, but at this time not too much to be worried about. Obviously the chance of preeclampsia is higher with multiples, but there was no concern with the slow rise in her blood pressure since the beginning of her pregnancy.

We did clear up the discrepancy between the doctors and the conflicting probabilities they provided. Basically Dr. Shields was citing the global rate of survival at 24 weeks, 50%, and Dr. Yin was citing the national rate where pre-natal care was provided and a level 3 NICU was nearby, 90-95%. This didn't change the fact that if the boys were born this early they have a 50% chance of severe mental/physical disorders, but at least they could survive. We can deal with the rest and I know the boys can too.

All in all, not a lot to report, which is a very, very good thing.

We count each day these kids stay healthy inside of Katy as a notch in the win column, and if we can just get through these next four weeks to the 28 mark, it will be a day of great celebration.
















Wednesday, August 7, 2013

so close yet so far - 7/31/13 - 21w6d

David Adam

Samuel Abraham  

Joshua Aaron


We usually don't talk much about our visits with Dr. Yin, but this week it plays a much larger role than normal. Lately most of my days have been generally good but, with that come some crummy days too and last Thursday was one of those days. So when it was time for our appointment I was less than enthusiastic. When the doc came into the room she asked how I was doing. I just shrugged and replied "Okay." She responded by saying, "Yeah...I saw the notes from your ultrasound with Dr. Shields." Imagine our surprise when we thought that all went well at the ultrasound with Dr. Shields and the final words that came out of his mouth were: "Everything looks good." So I asked her what she was talking about. She said that Joshua was displaying a much smaller abdomen in proportion to the rest of his body and that she expected this to happen however she thought it would have shown up earlier. She asked us to start talking about the possibility of delivering all 3 boys at 24 weeks. My eyes about popped out of my head. I knew triplets meant early delivery but this would mean babies by the end of August. Rob asked the obvious next question, as I was still trying to process this, which was what would the survival rate be for babies born that early? Her answer was shocking to us as well. In the USA she claimed that they would have about a 90% chance of survival with a 30% chance of some long term effects ranging from very minor to very severe.  Rob and I have talked about this before and we came to the decision that as long as Joshua still had a heart beat we would do whatever it took to save him, even if that meant early delivery. However, we could not remember the date of viability and siting there being told that it could be in less than a month set us both on edge. Once again, Rob found his composure and explained that we would do whatever it took to give all of our babies a chance. The appointment ended on what was probably meant to be a good note but was not very reassuring. The doc told us that I was not even 22 weeks and the babies lungs had not grown together yet so the choice did not have to be made right away. All we could do for now was wait until the next ultrasound.      

Now I am 22 weeks and Tuesday was our appointment with Dr. Shields. The technician started with her usual measurements and told us David was the largest weighing in at, 19oz, while Samuel was not far behind weighing in at 17oz, then came Joshua who weighed in at 14oz which set our minds at ease. Rob and I were both expecting to see him at about half of the size of the others. Then the doc came in the room and took some pictures of his own. While he was doing that we told him how the appointment went with Dr. Yin and started to ask him some of the questions that we had. The first thing that we asked was if he would agree with Dr. Yin's assessment about delivery at 24 weeks and he said no. He would only give a survival rate of 50% with a 50% chance of some critical long term effects.  He then told us that at 28 weeks the survival rate would increase to 80 to 85% with a 15 to 20% chance of long term effects and that number would keep going down the longer we go. By this time he had finished looking at the babies he was very pleased that Joshua was weighing 14oz. He did say that his abdomen was only coming in at 3% of where it should be while the rest of his body was normal size. Dr. Shields is going on vacation this week so he said the when he comes back he will do another assessment of their growth and we will have more of a base to compare Joshua to. If he has not grown at all then hopefully we can try again to go see Dr. Chmait in L.A. and talk about our options but, if we do see some growth, then we just need to keep waiting and assessing the situation. We asked what he thought our options would be and he basically laid out four scenarios for us. 

The first was to basically wash our hands of Joshua and use the laser to cut the cord causing his immediate demise. This is not an option as we previously stated and we really appreciated that Dr. Shields seemed to understand this. The next option would be to go down to L.A. and have the shared placenta between Samuel and Joshua spilt by laser so they would not have to share in the distribution of nutrients any more. This sounded good but he told us that we would need to keep in mind this procedure probably won't fix everything and more likely than not result in the indirect demise of Joshua. He told us that it might happen right away or it might take a week or two but we would need to talk with Dr. Chmait to get all of the information. The next option would be delivery and as stated before there would be a lot of risk for all the babies. Dr. Shields believes that the risk of delivery out weighs the risks of surgery at 24 weeks but that will switch at 28 weeks at which point it would be his preference to deliver rather than risk surgery. The last option we have is to do nothing. This is not an easy thing for a medical professional to grasp, but we don't want to put God in a box and say that he cannot perform a miracle.

Rob and I have been going back and forth with these choices but I think that the hardest thing might be continuing to wait. On the one hand I'm sitting here looking down at my ever growing belly and thinking how there are three little boys that I can't wait to meet. On the other though, I know it would be bitter sweet if I don't get to meet Joshua because that means he is at home with his Father. We are still so amazed at the things God can do but strength seems to be lacking when confronted with the length of time until our next ultrasound so, we humbly ask for your prayers as the long days go by. 


Wednesday, July 24, 2013

ain't that a kick in the head - 7/23/13 - 20w5d


Smiling David


Samuel


Joshua (No 3D as there was too much stuff for the machine to go through)

I'll tell you guys how it went yesterday as I'm sure that's why you're reading this, but first, you have to labor through, pun intended, my story.

I had a meeting yesterday with some Christian men with whom I had just recently met. We were sitting at lunch and one of them asked me why we had done embryo adoption. I told them the story of our two foster babies, Matthew and Zane, specifically Matty's story. I explained how we received Matty after he was born five weeks premature to a mother who admittedly took meth two days before delivering and how Matthew had meth and morphine in his system at birth. How he was born with a cleft lip and palate. How we had to literally squeeze the milk from a special bottle into his tiny throat as he had no sucking mechanism due to the gaping hole in the roof of his mouth.


I tried to paint a picture of what it was like to wake up every two hours to feed an infant who is so hungry and yet can't swallow fast enough so the milk inevitably comes shooting out of his good right nostril because of its accidental slipping into his open palate. So far, no crying from this big babbling baby.

I went on to tell how through God's mercy and love Matty grew and became healthy and happy. He was always full of smiles, even when we had to put tape on his lips and nose to prep him for the upcoming surgery. How even with splints on his elbows to prevent him from grabbing at the tape he still would babble and giggle at our silly faces and Nick's goofiness as he tried to make him laugh. How we got used to the strange looks and the innocent questions from children to their parents, "Mommy, what's wrong with that baby's mouth?!" How it didn't phase us when a well-meaning adult described his current condition as "grotesque" but that after surgery he would look great. I'm sure none of my true emotion was coming through, but I was trying and again, not crying...yet.


I continued on by relating what it was like to watch your six month old be prepped for surgery, to see him whisked away on a gurney, so small and helpless with the cutest baby gown on, still smiling, still happy. How agonizing it was waiting for word from the surgeon that everything was okay and that Matty did great. Being told how the sutures and tape couldn't get wet which meant we couldn't clean him up the way he deserved for a whole week and had to leave dried blood, snot, and boogers crusted on his nose and upper lip while we attempted to "live a normal life." 


How the poor little guy slept like crazy and almost two days to the minute began bouncing back like nothing had happened. Within a week, he was smiling again through a tight upper lip, trying to learn what it felt like to have your two upper lips connected as his face moved with limitless expression. 

I had no way of telling these awesome men of God how much joy poured into our lives abundantly more than we ever deserved or thought possible when we not only were able to watch Nick and Zane, but now a fully healthy recovered Matthew. Ever full of laughter, ever full of joy, ever bringing happiness into our home. The month and a half after his surgery where all our boys were happy and growing, was the best time of our lives, and the happiest.


Matty's progress from a premie baby to a thriving eight month old was something I will always stand in awe of God for how He accomplished it and will always feel blessed to have been a part of.


Obviously it didn't last. Obviously the system is broken and we lost him. As far as we know he's doing okay, but the day we lost him was the darkest day of my life. I've never cried so much as I did in the days following Matty leaving our care. 


It felt as if he had died. 


I told the men in front of me how to top it all off, a week after, Nick, Zane, Katy and I were driving and from the backseat, I hear a very quiet three year old voice whimper, "Dad?" 

I looked in my rear view mirror and saw Nick with his chin on his chest looking at his feet. 

"Yeah buddy?" 

"It's my fault that Matty left, isn't it?" 


We were done. At this point we already knew Zane was leaving in a week or so and the look on Nick's face was too much to take. I couldn't answer him. I knew of course the answer was no, but my stomach was lodged so far into my throat and my heart had fallen onto the asphalt we were traveling on, that it felt like one of those dreams where you try and scream but can't. Katy rescued me as the tears streamed down my face and she told him of course it wasn't. I quickly regained my composure, pulled over, turned around, told him to look at me squarely in the eyes, and said, "This is not your fault. It's not our fault. It's not God's fault. God has a plan for Matty. We don't know what that plan is yet, but we trust His plan."

In that moment, I couldn't quote Romans 8:28 as I couldn't remember it, but the promise was embedded deep enough within me to get the gist across to Nick.

Fast forward to the present again. Here I was, sitting next to and across from Christian men I barely knew, welling up again, over a year and three months later, reliving the same emotions I did at that time with my son in sorrow. I explained to them that I wasn't strong enough to go through that again. I knew there were kids out there that needed caring for, but I couldn't handle it. Both for me, for Katy, and for Nick. It's not that I care more about these kids than a foster parent does, they're just stronger than I am, able to shoulder that burden and keep on loving. I am in paralyzing awe and admiration of a good foster parent who loves kid after kid after kid. It's not because they are withdrawn or void of emotion or disconnected or dehumanize the situation. I believe a good foster parent has just as much love for these children but is able to deal with the loss better than most of us can.

That's why we withdrew from the foster care program. 

They then asked the obvious follow-up question, why didn't you guys try in-vitro with your own embryos instead of someone else's? I informed them how we still felt a deep desire to help children who needed help the most, and what child is in more need than one still in a petrie dish and in cryogenic freezing? We made the decision not to have more embryof created but to give the embryos already created a chance to grow up. 

I left that lunch a little down, finished work and came home to find Nick already sleeping. After making sure he was tucked in and kissing his forehead, I walked out into the living room and sat next to my bride. I put my hand on her engorged belly as I usually do when we're just sitting there, and suddenly I felt them. It felt like Rock-em Sock-em Robots going on inside of her! Kick after kick after kick for a solid ten minutes and I was in heaven. Katy tried talking to me but I have no idea what she was saying. I was so intently focused on making sure I didn't miss a single kick that I couldn't hear a word she said, not that I can do anything else plus listen anyway. It took 20 weeks, but it was amazing. I don't know how Katy is doing it with those three banana-sized babies treating her insides like a bounce house, but it is overwhelming to feel them in there.

Back to the reason you're all here. Yesterday's doctor's appointment went just fine. Still status quo from the week before and nothing new to report. But again, all three are growing, hearts are beating, and no additional problems other than Joshua's non-existent amniotic fluid. And yesterday, after reliving our loss, it was the perfect news and a perfect ending.