hear my humble cry - 8/26/13 - 25w4d

David in 3D

David looking at the camera...creepily

David Side Profile

Joshua Side Profile

We've been keeping you guys in suspense for a while, only to have another appointment tomorrow. Sorry about that. Katy kept telling me all week it was my turn to write. I've had trouble formulating how to write all of what I've been thinking.

Not much changed again this week. Joshua is still lacking fluid. The boys all got measured again. David now weighs in at 2 lbs 4 oz, Samuel at 2 lbs even, and Joshua at 1 lb 5 oz. Dr. Shields told us he wants us to meet with a neonatologist and tour the NICU this coming week so we'll do that after the appointment tomorrow.

The only thing new that was reported was that he took a pretty close look at Joshua's heart in relation to his chest and his chest is definitely not keeping up with his heart, which is good and bad I guess. Good in that his heart and head are growing as they're supposed to be, bad because obviously something is going wrong internally, we just don't know what. Best guess at this point is still that his kidneys are either non-existent or not functioning at all. Other than that, he's behind in his growth but still growing, so that is a praise that he's not stagnant.

Right now Katy and I are doing our best to wrap our heads around the possibilities that could occur. So far we can think of three scenarios:

1 - Joshua is totally fine, spends some time in the NICU, and comes out in a few months
2 - Joshua needs major medical attention and could make it
3 - Joshua comes out and can't survive on his own, and do we try and keep him alive, or just hold him while we can

We're sure there are other scenarios as well, but they all seem to be variations of those three. The first is easy. The second, tough but doable. The third, nearly impossible to comprehend.

The last scenario has caused us to consider things like, do we have a service for him? When? Before David and Samuel are out of the NICU as well? Should we keep him on life support to donate his organs? Should it just be the three of us? Should we bring Nick in? Should we bring family and friends in to meet him and say goodbye? Should we spread his ashes? Plant a tree? A plot?

Some of these may seem grim, but all of them are real. These are the sorts of things you think about. While sitting here writing this, I considered another question: Can we get them all together one time to hold all three at once? As I typed, this beautiful rendition of "Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior" by Red Mountain Church was playing in the background:

Pass me not, O gentle Savior,

Hear my humble cry;

While on others Thou art calling,

Do not pass me by.

Savior, Savior,

Hear my humble cry;

While on others Thou art calling,

Do not pass me by.

Let me at Thy throne of mercy

Find a sweet relief,

Kneeling there in deep contrition;

Help my unbelief.

Savior, Savior,

Hear my humble cry;

While on others Thou art calling,

Do not pass me by.

Trusting only in Thy merit,

Would I seek Thy face;

Heal my wounded, broken spirit,

Save me by Thy grace.

Savior, Savior,

Hear my humble cry;

While on others Thou art calling,

Do not pass me by.

Thou the Spring of all my comfort,

More than life to me,

Whom have I on earth beside Thee?

Whom in Heav’n but Thee?

Savior, Savior,

Hear my humble cry;

While on others Thou art calling,

Do not pass me by. 

This is our selfish and direct request that we unashamedly pray for us and our boys. We are confident of our Joshua and the better existence he will have wrapped in his Savior's arms, but our concern is on the brokenness that is sure to come for Katy, Nick and I, as well as all that love us and our sons.

I was recently asked whether if I could do it all over again, both with Matty, our foster son, and with Joshua, if I would. If I knew ahead of time the grief that would come with Matty and the decisions involved with Joshua, would I do it all again. I related my answer to something I read recently. In our Sunday School class we're going through a new book entitled, The Meaning of Marriage, by Tim Keller, and in it he quotes C. S. Lewis as saying in his book, The Four Loves, this about love:

"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglement; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation."

This type of action, shutting the love I have for these boys up forever, is and never will be an option. My answer to whether I would go through all this again is whole-heartedly and unabashedly a resounding yes. No way I would even give up the love I have experienced with all of my sons for even a second. In fact I would go through any scenario a million times worse if it meant being given the opportunity to love my boys in the way I have. 

I cannot predict what will happen, nor can Katy, nor any doctor we see. Only God knows what will happen. What I do know is where and in whom my faith resides, and He is greater than this situation and all of us, and in Him I go to and ask that in either tragedy or overwhelming joy, He hear my humble cry to not pass us by.