fear - 10/17/13 - 33w0d

     

At 10:30 am PST Katy will be having a c-section. We are just over 8 hours away from delivery. When we were this close with Nick, I was so excited I couldn't sleep. The anticipation of being a father, the excitement of all we'd get to do together, watching the love my bride would have for her son, was something I could hardly wait for. It's a lot different this time around. Our friends the Patterson's are two doors down and just delivered their second child, first boy. I know my buddy Jimmy is having a lot of those same thoughts as he watches his bride and newborn son. It's not that I'm not looking forward to those things. It's just that I want them to happen. I know there are lots of people, like us, who have struggled to have children. I know it may seem selfish of me to think the way I do, but I want those things with ALL of my boys. Not just Nick, David, and Samuel, but Joshua too. It's so much different this time. I have a hard time being excited. 

A few days ago I realized something that may seem pretty obvious. I'm stressed. I don't know why it took me so long to realize what should be so obvious. But I finally got to the root of why I'm stressed; I'm terrified of what the morning brings. It's not even so much the probable outcome that scares me. It's the unknown. Not knowing is the scariest part and I know it's my own desire for control that drives the fear. Sure I'm sad and if he does pass away I'll be a wreck. But deep down, I know the unknown is what is eating me up. 

On a different note, having Katy on bed rest this last month and in the hospital this last week has opened my eyes to a lot. First, I don't know how single parents do it. Working full time and coming home to a second full time job is exhausting! How they have time for anyone other than their kids is beyond me. It also made me appreciate how fortunate we are to be able to have Katy be a stay-at-home mom. The little things she takes care of throughout the days of the week made my life so unknowingly easy. Having to work and then come home during the week and on the weekend just to do those little things has been enough to almost drive me insane. Aside from the obvious reasons my love for my bride has gone up during this pregnancy, realizing all she does for our family without complaint raised the bar even higher. 

When people take care of you, it usually makes you happy. But when people take care of the people you love, it warms your soul. Every time I came in to the hospital to visit Katy and saw a new note or package I was elated. Whenever she told me someone had stopped by to visit or I walked in on a prayer time with friends, I was comforted. There's a sense of guilt you get when your spouse is laid up in a hospital and you aren't with them 24/7. So to know others were caring for her when I wasn't, was awesome. Thank you to everyone who came, sent a card, made a call or text, mailed a care package, or just prayed for us during this time. Your love was overwhelming! And if you want to come visit us while we're here the next few days, please do, just not after 9 as we will be passed out!

Our God is a god of truth. He makes promises and keeps them sustaining the trust in our relationship with Him. When you lose that trust, a relationship is broken. I know there are so many people who don't trust God for any number of reasons, but it seems as if many of them are self-imposed promises thrust on Him that He never made. If we look at the promises of scripture, He hasn't broken one. Sure some haven't been fulfilled yet (Christ coming back) and others took forms that were unexpected but ended up being better (Christ coming to overthrow a spiritual enemy not a political one), but He always keeps His promises. We've known a few friends over the years who have sadly lost children either through miscarriages or complications post-partem. These friends have all said that their babies were in a better place and they knew in their hearts they'd see them again. Some of these friends are Christians, some not. Both are right in where their children are now. The neat thing for us is, that if Joshua dies, we truly know where he will be, that we'll see him again, and he'll immediately be in the presence of Christ. We know this, not because it feels or seems right, but because of our God who cannot lie telling us so in His Holy Word. There's an overwhelming peace that comes with that kind of assurance and guarantee, and it's one that passes all understanding. 

Tonight on the way home from AWANNA, Nick said that Joshua was probably going to die. My mom began explaining to him how that might happen and we would be sad if it did, but we were praying it didn't. He calmly looked at her and said, "Why would we be sad? Joshua will be in heaven with Jesus." Out of the mouths of babes.